My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
