There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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