decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
