I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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