He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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