I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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