My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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