i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
