I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
