My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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