He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
