Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
