apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
