Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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