Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
