When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so let's talk penis.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
