i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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