I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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