It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
