Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
