She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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