Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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