His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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