You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
