Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
