there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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