So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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