my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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