70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
