My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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