Just fell off a train. Bad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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