One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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