So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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