question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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