I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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