Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.