I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.