someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?