Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
