Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
