im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
