I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
