When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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