It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
