what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
