He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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