Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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