rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
