I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
