Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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