I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
