In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
