Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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